Dude Has Issues
by demented bunny
Summary: “Bella?”, he asked peering up at me with innocent eyes.“Yes Edward?”, I asked.“Can I go home with you?”. Funny and different give it a try. Pretty original and definately unique.Blurring the lines between Twilight and the realms of crazy. TEMPORARY HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Hi again so I've decided to write this one shot after lying in bed over the holidays.**

**This may turn into more then just a one shot, I don't know depends on whether you guys want me to continue or not.**

**In this story the characters are kind of ooc. And the vampire thing is kind of different to S. M's original plan. First of all newborns aren't bloodthirsty they actually have more control then mature vampires because they are still feeding off their human blood and also vamps have blood, impossible I know but…. Anyway there blood is different from humans' blood and doesn't taste nearly as good, but it does help fend off the hunger so vamps can feed off each other but the blood isn't as strong or as tasty so they prefer human blood.**

**Also Edward has no memory of his human life. **

**Please don't hate me for changing things it's just to fit the one shot.**

**Random point of interest: I like Twilight, actually that's not really all that random.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, neither do my gummy bears.**

**BELLAPOV**

I slammed my locker door closed. I was in a hurry to leave, not that I don't love school and all but I was hungry and currently trying to avoid my Labrador like friend Mike.

I walked to the corner of the hall and peered around, James Bond style, fingers pointed in a gun and everything.

Seeing as Mike wasn't there I strolled casually down the hall, I considered strutting but figured it might be a bit much.

I left the school and walked in the direction of the field directly behind Forks high. I walked through the field to my house because it was quicker and easier to avoid certain tail wagging Labradors.

I was just walking you know minding my own business when this big rock suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

I tripped and went flying. I tried to stand up again but I couldn't move without my ankle hurting.

I checked my phone. I could call Charlie, my dad or Mike, no not mike. The battery was dead, perfect timing as ever.

I threw my bag to the ground and settled in comfortably, I could be here for a while.

I was sitting for about ten minutes playing solitaire on the ground, idly wondering where the cards had come from.

That was when I noticed a shadow at the edge of the trees.

The shadow was moving toward me and I had a strange impulse to wave.

The shadow seemed crouched, in an oddly feline position.

As it came into view, I saw that it was a man, or perhaps a boy. He couldn't be any older then my sixteen years.

He was gorgeous, inhumanly so.

His skin was pale, white, almost as if he was a ghost, I felt like reaching out and checking if my hand would go through him just to be sure, though he seemed pretty solid.

His features were chiselled and his hair, which was a complete mess mind you a cute mess, was a strange bronze colour.

But certainly the thing that stood out above all his other features were his eyes, which were round with curiosity and innocence, were a bright startling crimson, pretty awesome eye colour actually.

He was a mere three or four steps away now. Should I be running? Right ankle, never mind.

He stepped closer and we were about a nose length apart, depending on whose nose, average I suppose.

Then he leaned forward, the tip of his nose brushing against my cheek and…… HE SNIFFED ME!

Seriously some weird ass, red-eyed, cat dude just sniffed me!

Clearly this guy has boundary issues.

"Hey, hey back up dude, you can not just go up to people and sniff them", I said pushing his head away from me.

He looked up, surprised. He sat back down on the grass and crossed his legs, looking at me with innocent eyes.

"But you smell good".

And that's not weird at all.

"Eh thanks….I guess", I looked at him and he just stared back at me blinking.

"So eh….do you often go up to people and sniff them?", I asked, kinda curious.

He nodded and I stared at him blankly, dude had issues. "Your blood smells tasty", he said cheerfully, as if that often came up in casual conversation.

Great, first a Labrador, now a vampire, maybe I had issues. I could go to one off those mental places, personally I'd always found the jackets pretty stylish.

He leaned forward and sniffed me again. No he was definitely the one with issues.

"Hey, hey man come on we haven't even had a first date", I joked.

He pulled back and frowned at me, puzzled "First date?".

I sighed. "What's a date?", he asked curiously sitting back down again all thoughts of sniffing me forgotten.

"Eh…that's what two people do when they like each other", I explained, not really knowing how else to explain it, I tried to avoid dating.

"Do I like you?" he asked, curiously.

"Eh… I don't know do you?", this was fast becoming awkward.

"I like your blood", he said, grinning as if he that was a great compliment to give.

"Eh why don't we try getting to know each other first before we do anything rash", I said trying to ignore how hungry I was.

"I'm Bella", I offered.

"Edward", he said grinning crookedly.

"So….you're a vampire?", I asked though I suppose it was pretty obvious.

He nodded enthusiastically grinning still.

"Em… so how are you?", I asked, to be polite.

"Hungry", figures.

"Yeah me too", I sighed. Thinking of the nice big cheese pizza I could've ordered by now, not that chatting with a vampire wasn't great and all.

"Here you can have some of my blood", he offered and leaned forward to let me bite him.

"Vampires don't have blood", I said.

"Yes we do", huh I was officially throwing away all of my old and apparently useless vampire books "but yours is tastier", wow he was a pretty straight forward kinda guy.

"Eh thanks but I don't actually drink blood", I informed him.

He leaned back and peered at me, through long lashes.

"What do you drink?".

"Eh… water", I said but it sounded like a question. "But I eat food".

"Oh, what's that like?", he asked.

"Somehow I don't think you'd like it", I said trying to block out the imaginary image of a fridge.

"Oh, ok", he said looking contemplative "Bella are we on a date now?".

"Eh… not quite", I answered, wondering if it'd be rude to just leave.

"Now?". "No".

He opened his mouth again but I interrupted first "No".

He stared down at the ground, looking like a little boy who'd just been scolded by his mother. He needed a hug.

I noticed that my ankle wasn't hurting as much anymore; I could go home and get something to eat at last.

I felt a little sad at leaving Edward, I wondered if I'd see him again.

"Well anywho I'd better be getting home, you know food and all that jazz….", I said trailing off as I saw the disappointed look on his face.

"Bella?", he asked peering up at me with innocent eyes.

"Yes Edward?", I asked.

"Can I go home with you?".

**Please review. **

**And let me know if you want me to continue.**

**So yeah review pretty please.**


	2. Pickles

**So it's been ages since I put up the first chapter of Dude Has Issues, it was only meant to be a one shot but I got such an awesome response that I decided to continue but it was harder then I thought it was going to be. **

**So please don't bid me to hell for taking so long, this is an extremely hard fanfiction to write, it's a lot of fun but it takes a hell of a lot of inspiration. **

**But I finally found inspiration and I have him tied up in my closet, hopefully he won't escape me again.**

**By the way Edward sleeps in this story.**

**Random point of interest: I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Yay, go cheese.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and my gummy bears are on strike so they don't own Twilight either.**

"_Bella?", he asked peering up at me with innocent eyes._

"_Yes Edward?", I asked._

"_Can I go home with you?"._

I shrugged "Sure why not, I have these neighbours that are always…" Edward was staring at me curiously "Well never mind a vampire could just come in handy".

We set off walking in the direction of my home in silence, while I racked my brain trying to think of something to say to my lovely vampire companion.

I glanced sideways and saw Edward happily skipping along beside me.

We stopped in front of my white, two storey house and I idly wondered how my dad would react to my bringing home a guy.

Which would inevitably lead to where was Edward going to sleep?

"Is this where you live Bella?", Edward asked, his eyes wide.

"Yep, welcome to my humble abode", I said bowing him inside.

He grinned widely and I almost expected a glint to come off his teeth like those flash actors on tv.

"So, where do you live?", I asked as I lead him inside.

"In a tree", he said matter of factly while peering around my living room.

It was official; my dad was going to shoot him. At least he didn't smoke pot and say 'peace' all the time.

"So I'm going to go make food, you want anything?", I asked turning to the kitchen.

I felt cold breath on the back of my neck. I turned to see Edward with his mouth dangerously close to my neck, teeth bared.

"You know other then….._me_".

He pouted and slinked back to the living room.

I began getting a sandwich ready for myself.

I shuffled into the living room and turned on the tv to entertain Edward.

"Here watch some tv while I make some food", I said turning away from Edward.

"TV?", he asked curiously.

"Em…. Yeah that's like where there's these moving pictures that tell a story", he nodded and turned to the tv where there was some soap opera on, I considered changing it to cartoons but he seemed pretty enthralled already.

I finished making my sandwich, peanut butter and jelly with extra pickle, when Edward called me into the living room.

"Bella! What are they doing?", he asked pointing to the tv, where two people were kissing.

I shifted nervously "Eh….. They're kissing", I replied, tugging at my collar.

"What's kissing", he asked still pointing at the two people currently sucking face.

"Well em… that's where two people who really like each other touch their lips together", I said lamely, I couldn't really think of anything better to say.

"Oh", was all he said and turned back to the tv.

I munched on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with extra pickles and sat down to watch with Edward.

It was actually some pretty riveting stuff, that blonde, who was engaged to the hot doctor was actually his estranged sister's supposedly dead lesbian lover, was now pregnant with her step sister's husband's baby.

You couldn't make this shit up.

I wish something exciting would happen to me.

I lost interest once the hot doctor died after falling off a cliff and started playing with the leftover pickles from my sandwich.

I was making my own soap opera. I could call it _'Pickle Street' _or _'EastPicklers' _or _'Home And A Pickle'_.

"Bella?", Edward asked pulling me out of my reverie.

"Hm?", I looked up to find Edward staring at me.

"What's that", he said pointing to the tv screen where the estranged lesbian sister and some dude were holding a little pink bundle.

"That's a baby", I said eyeing Edward "don't you know what a baby is?".

Edward shook his head.

"Well a baby is like a little person that eventually grows up to be a big person but they can't walk or talk so big people have to look after them", I explained, pretty proud of myself.

Edward crossed his legs and stared up at me innocently.

"Bella?", Edward asked.

"Hm?", I quickly gulped down a mouthful of pickle, realising with a jolt, that I had just eaten my main character.

"Where do babies come from?".

I pretty much choked on Brad (my pickle) and managed to splutter out "What?".

Edward repeated himself carefully "Where do babies come from", he asked innocently.

"Eh… well you see when two people love each other very much…..", I began but suddenly remembered that it would probably scar Edward for life if I told him the version my parents had told me.

He blinked and just continued to stare at me, waiting.

"Eh… babies come from…..eh…_kissing_", I floundered for something to tell him and finally landed on that.

"Yeah, that's it kissing", I sighed in relief at my quick thinking.

Edward stared at me blankly.

"You see, when two people really like each other they kiss and they get a baby but it only works if they _really _like each other", I said smiling proudly.

Understanding dawned on Edward's face and before I could register his action he crawled across the floor to me and leaned over me.

"Bella?", he breathed.

"Em…yeah?", I murmered, dazed.

"Let's have a baby".

I fell backwards and landed on the ground with a thud.

Edward leaned towards me but I managed to block him.

"Woah… dude slow down, I mean we haven't even made a secret handshake yet", I said pushing him back with my hand.

I stood up and looked down to see Edward peering up at me, pouting.

"So yeah em, wow is it that time already, I'd better be heading off to bed", I muttered picking up a blanket and throwing it on the couch along with a cushion.

"You can sleep here on the couch", I said and turned to leave.

"Bella?", Edward called.

I turned to see Edward already on the couch with the covers around mid torso.

I sighed deeply and strolled back to the couch.

This guy had serious mothering issues.

I tucked him in, even throwing in a kiss on the forehead, just for good measure.

I finally made it back to the door, uninterrupted this time.

I turned to see Edward watching me, with the covers up to his chin, like a little child.

"Goodnight Edward", I sang.

"Goodnight Bella", he replied sleepily.

"Don't let the boogeyman get you", I called out and managed to catch a glimpse of Edward's face, which was even paler then usual and his eyes were wide with terror, before I made my way up the stairs.

You knew you were messed up when the vampire you had brought home with you was afraid of the boogeyman.

I changed quickly and clambered into bed.

I was halfway asleep when I heard footsteps and saw a sliver of light from the door opening.

It was Edward and he still looked terrified.

"Bella?", he asked shyly.

"Huh?", I replied rubbing at my eyes.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?".

**So this was basically shit. It's cute but it's not really that funny. I tried though, so that has to get me some points.**

**Review and I'll let you tuck Edward in for the night.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok so I know I haven't updated in forever but I have a good reason it's because I have literally no idea what to do next. So if you guys give me like a vague idea I can write it. I'm really stuck. So please help.**

**Random point of interest: I'm actually not that interesting.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and my gummy bears drowned in a pond.**

I opened my eyes to see Edward crouching over me, an ecstatic smile adorning his face.

"Finally", he exclaimed loudly "you're awake". With that said he leaned forward and crushed his lips to mine.

"What the hell man?", I yelled, pulling back, leaving Edward looking confused as he blinked innocently.

"I was going to kiss you", Edward said cheerfully, smiling widely "so we can have a baby".

"Of course, a baby", I muttered under my breath "you're more maternal then my mother".

"So are we going to have a baby now?", Edward asked, bouncing slightly in his excitement.

"Yeah, yeah", I mumbled, getting out of bed "call me in nine months".

I pulled on some clothes while Edward sat on my bed waiting, I considered kicking him out but I figured what was the point, we were already having a baby.

When I was finished dressing and had helped Edward get dressed too, cause apparently vampires didn't understand the concept of pants, we went downstairs for some breakfast.

I ate my cereal while Edward slurped his tomato juice happily, fooled by its blood red colour.

"What are we doing today Bella?", Edward asked, staring out the window.

"I have to go to school", I said shrugging.

Edward looked up, excitement poorly contained within him "Can I come?".

I considered that for a moment, weighing the pros and cons.

Having a vampire around might get me out of that biology test, depending on how hungry Edward was.

"Sure, why not?", I said, shrugging indifferently.

Edward followed me to school, skipping slightly as I sauntered along.

I pushed the entrance doors open, thanking the fact that Forks High had 0 security and I wouldn't need to fabricate a story as of to why Edward was here.

As we walked to my first class Mike, man's best friend strolled towards me, "Hey Bells", he said, waving his arm to catch my attention even though he was two feet in front of me.

I nodded to Mike mutely, which he took as encouragement "So who's your friend?", Mike asked eyeing Edward, who was skipping through the halls, his eyes wide with wonder.

"That's Edward", I replied "He's a vampire".

Mike nodded absently and scurried off when the bell rang.

I pulled Edward along to my first class, English with Mrs. Jefferson.

Edward sat in the back with me, twiddling his thumbs while I doodled a picture of my pickle, Brad.

We were sitting in the canteen when we were approached by Lauren, who had her eye on Edward.

She whispered something in his ear while I was staring at the pretty butterfly outside the window.

"No thank you", Edward said very loudly, everybody's heads turning towards us "I don't want to kiss you", he announced.

"I'm already having a baby with Bella".

Lauren looked to me for confirmation "You heard the man", I said, munching on my extra spicy taco.

I sighed and stood, dragging Edward with me. I decided to skip the rest of my classes and we headed home, Edward jumping along, running after butterflies he spotted.

When we arrived home I spotted my dad's car outside and I wondered for a moment where he had been for the last few weeks.

We went inside, my dad saying hello to me and eyeing Edward with mild curiosity.

"Hello", Edward beamed, throwing his arm around my shoulder "we're having a baby".

**Review please.**

**What did you think? Sorry it was so short but I kind of ran out of ideas around the same time Lauren came.**

**I need ideas people. Without them there won't be any updates so make sure to give me some. **

**Review please and I'll let you make a baby with Edward ;)**


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